I never realized how isolated I would eventually feel being a stay at home mother. Daily life is busy and of course filled with the activities of children. But after a while, I had a feeling of loneliness and emptiness. It was a difficult feeling to acknowledge, because initially it made me wonder why was I not satisfied? I had been given this amazing opportunity to be at home full time with my children who I not only loved, but truly enjoyed. I wondered if it was a shortcoming on my part. I would feel anxious for my husband to come home from work, to hear about his day. I was anxious to hear accounts of people who I had worked with who he still saw periodically at work. When he would come home and be in a bad mood I couldn’t deal with it. I told him that he was my only tie to the grown up world and I needed him to be in a good mood. How unfair is that?
Eventually, I gained some perspective. I lost the feeling of guilt. I accepted that it was a natural to feel lonely and miss the stimulation that adult contact provided. I had always found balance difficult to achieve. Where my husband was able to get in a golf league, and pursue his interest, I never could justify taking “me time” with all the tasks I had to do. It was always me holding myself back because my husband was always supportive of me pursuing interests. I wish I could say that I’ve changed that but I really haven’t. I am in touch with more friends than I used to be, though I rarely schedule time out with them. I have returned to school. It’s wonderful for my mind to feel challenged again. But even now, I feel like I am struggling between the children and the time that I need to study. They don’t really understand the demands of the school work and I don’t want to short change them because I have decided to go back to school. I wonder if balance will be this ever elusive element in my life.
I know I cannot understand exactly how you're feeling because I've never been in this situation, but I can see how you would feel this way. If you've seen Sex and the City 2, they actually play on this a little and Charlotte feels guilty about wanting to take some time for herself because the demands of taking care of the children were just so much, but it is important to still have some you time. I think balancing is something that we continually have to keep doing throughout our entire lives so I hope that you can find a rhythm with your home and school life.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're having an epiphany! I would try not to feel guilty about wanting some free time to yourself. Many people may go into depression if they feel they are not really themselves anymore. It is important to have that adult contact like you said. Especially with kids, I've learned from my parents that adult time is definitely needed. It is still important for that chemistry. Let loose a little! Always try to add in free time.
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