The Message I Sent

When I was contemplating quitting my job to stay home with my four children I struggled with the decision.  I had always thought my only real concern would be whether or not we could afford it.  When the time came I felt overwhelmed by how many factors there were to consider.  One concern that had never occurred to me before then was what message I was sending to my children.  

I hoped that my children would see the commitment that their dad and I had to our family.  We explained to them that we would have less money, significantly less. I think our oldest daughter understood that concept very well.  She was a teenager and fully comprehended that less discretionary spending would not be in her favor.  As a result I think she was less enthusiastic about the idea.  The younger children did not seem concerned, but to them the concept of money was still very abstract.  Yet we did our best to explain the value of time spent together and how fewer demands on me would mean less chaos at home.  The children seemed to understand.  I still felt very conflicted.

 I wondered if quitting a job that was very rewarding for me and that my children knew I valued would send the message to them that it is impossible to have it all, that you have to choose between a career and your family.  I didn’t believe that to be true then, and I still don’t.  I just know that for me, I felt trying to juggle the demands of my work and of my family had become increasingly difficult after the birth of our fourth child.  I knew I could continue trying to find some sort of balance, but while my work demanded my very best, my children were getting what was left.  They were getting the part of me that was exhausted and tired of catering to the needs of others.  I wanted them to have the benefit of my energy, my patience, and my attention and not just the remnants of those things.  I continue to talk with my kids about how fortunate our family is that I am able to be at home.  They have seen me go through some highs and lows as I transitioned to being a stay at home mom; it wasn’t always pretty.  But I think as time goes on and they get older they are able to appreciate the stability they have and some of the advantages of having a parent at home full time. I can say without pause that they have never had to miss an opportunity to participate in any extra- curricular activities that appealed to them because of scheduling conflicts of mine.  And they know they have all of me, day or night.

I want my children to pursue higher education and whatever careers they choose with a sincere passion.  I don’t want them to feel a half-heartedness because they think that someday they will have to choose between a rewarding career and their family.  If they do come to a point of making a choice, I hope they will reflect on their own childhoods and feel blessed to have had me at home, regardless of what they decide for their family.